I just got the urge to write something on this blog, something I haven’t done in a very long while and I am not sure why I wanted to do so.
My mate Stan once said that the British do pensive well and all our Brit Movies start with the hero being pensive, smoking a fag whilst look out the window, that kind of stuff. I have to admit to a real wave of pensiveness right now as I sit having a coffee, it feels like a colossal burden and emotional tide rolled into one and I am both hyper aware of my surroundings and yet feel utter inarticulate in my ability to describe them.
There are people, there is music, families and those alone, reading and wazzocks like me tapping away on a computer and it is unremarkable in every way and yet, somehow, I am having an emotional response to the environment. Digging deeper, I don’t feel unhappy the opposite in fact and I do not feel dislocated, or alone – I am not speaking to anyone and not really observing the human zoon like I normally do and yet I feel, lucky? Is lucky the word? Maybe not lucky, but strangely calm and accepting, maybe this is just my idea of Valhalla only it is not a literal afterlife but perhaps the one I chose to enter now and again whilst still be alive.
That suggests I may find life a burden in some way, plodding, perhaps? Do I find it unnecessarily harsh at time and unfair? I don’t know if I can say that because this pensive, calm and accepting feeling happens more often than not, sometimes it is walking around London, Bloomsbury mostly, on a sunny day and looking up, closing my eyes and feeling the sun on my face – I love to do that. Sometimes it is sitting in a library and doing my job, sometimes it is in the middle of nowhere, sitting down and looking around. Right now, it is just nice to sit where I am – I think I might just stay a while longer.